The biggest stressor for me on a daily basis is wondering what people think of me. I’ve never felt like an “ugly person”, but I do stop and look in the mirror and sometimes don’t like what I see. Then, this feeling escalates when I’m around people.
It began in high school. I never felt I was skinny enough or pretty enough. I felt self-conscious about my pimples and glasses. Even walking down the halls in the school, I would clutch my books tightly and feel my heart rate increase and be constantly wondering, what is everyone thinking of me?
This insecurity didn’t go away in university. It may have actually gotten worse. I did talk to a councillor, but it didn’t help very much. My family keeps telling me I should “go on meds”, but I want to find alternate ways of improving my self confidence.
I just finished university a month ago and I’m two weeks into my first full-time job. When I walk through the office to go to the kitchen or bathroom, I’m still constantly wondering what people think of me and try to fix my posture, hair, and fake smile as I’m walking. I guess I want people to perceive me as cool, calm, and collected. But inside, I feel insecure and worn out.
I now have a wonderful boyfriend, and he’s helped me with self-confidence – he tells me how beautiful I am and that I don’t need to lose any weight. When I’m with him in public, I feel great. But I still have to get over my insecurities when I’m alone in public.
I’ve never been to a doctor or been diagnosed with anything. And I don’t think I want to be. Ever day, I’m trying to improve myself by 0.01%. Some days I feel confident, others not so much. I’ve been trying a lot of things lately – meditation, self-checks, breathing exercises, eating better, trying to love myself more, and indulging in hobbies that I love. I even had a small breakthrough this week – while at dance practice, I didn’t care what the other girls thought of me.
It’s hard sometimes, but I’m super grateful for the life I have. I have a decent income right out of school, I live with my wonderful boyfriend, and my family is super supportive and in great health. It’s funny how writing out my problems make them sound so stupid compared to what other people have to go through everyday.